being productive

for the first time in a looong while, i feel like this week has been productive! it feels amazing! since i love to make lists, i'll document my accomplishments like this:

1. for the first time ever, i cooked a roast. with corn and potatoes, and gravy. mmm. not only did i cook it, but it turned out well! eric probably high-fived me ten times during dinner tuesday night. i'll take it that the meal was a success :) thanks to my wonderful mom for all of her coaching!
2. i made it to the gym after work both monday and tuesday! after slacking on my 25k training because i've been sick/busy/etc it felt good to get running again. we'll see how my run on saturday goes... it's supposed to be an 8-miler! i definitely haven't run even close to that far yet this year!
3. today i finally got to printing out the invitations for our access fundraiser. after spending all the time designing and perfecting those babies, it felt great to see them come off the press.
4. tonight i baked and got groceries and baked some more. i started with cinnamon streusel muffins (which i burned a little, oops), followed by apple cinnamon muffins. the second batch of muffins turned out much better than the first, so those will be coming with me to my team meeting tomorrow at my internship! after finishing those i realized that i needed to make dessert for our small group that's coming over tomorrow night... i ran to the store to get more ingredients and am currently in the process of making a death by chocolate dessert and oreo balls. the brownies baking in the oven smell so good... mmmm!
5. i'm making great progress on the birthday present that i'm crocheting for steph. it's my first project that is turning out fairly well, so it makes me want to crochet more and more :) i have to give shelly credit for the pointers!
6. since giving up candy almost a week ago, i'm still on the straight & narrow!!!!

and another accomplishment that i feel pretty good about (although this is on a more serious note) is that i finally got real with myself - well, more like eric got real with me. i've struggled with anxiety and depression since i was in high school, and for the most part, i've had it under control for years. over the past couple of months, though, i've been slipping down into it again, and i've gotten to the point where it's really interfering with my work and school and even my marriage and faith.

if you've never been there, it's so hard to explain. it's easy to put on a facade for the people around you, and sometimes you can even fool yourself. nobody at work noticed how hard it was for you to follow up with all those emails. none of your classmates saw the tears that came every week or the fact that even the smallest caseload swallowed you up. but eventually you just get to a place that's just so far down, so rock bottom, that if something doesn't change, you honestly don't know how you'll ever be able to crawl out of bed again. some days i just want to sleep. i could sleep all day if you'd let me. and i think that's how eric got so worried.

anyway, eric laid the smackdown with me on sunday night. i'm so thankful that he can be painfully honest with me and hold me accountable for things like this. he finally convinced me that this is just not okay and i'm not me. it's so scary to be in that place of just not being yourself. it's like someone else is running your life... and doing a really poor job at it. on monday, i had another breakdown with my supervisor at my internship. and on tuesday i talked with my boss at work about what's been going on. both of them were incredibly supportive, and i'm so grateful for two very understanding people that i could be honest with.

it's great to finally know that something is wrong and then what it is. but i've still got work to do, because that doesn't change the way i'm feeling. i'm working on the meds thing; unfortunately meds take weeks to get regulated and working. and i also scheduled an appointment at the christian counseling center. although i'll advocate for the importance and benefits of counseling all day long, when it came to me actually making an appointment for myself... that was one of the hardest things i've ever done. i'm scheduled to go in tomorrow. i figure if i actually type this out and post it, i'll have to go. i can't tell you how many times i've thought of calling to cancel. :)

so if you get a chance, i'd really appreciate your prayers of support. i'm hopeful and confident that i'm getting the help that i need. i'm just praying that the Lord will give me courage and strength to overcome this struggle.