what have i been waiting for?

8 miles: I DID IT!!! last night i was so anxious about heading to the gym, but i was pleasantly surprised about how good i felt. it's been two years since i've run that far! i put my ipod on shuffle, which helped with the boredom because i didn't know what song was going to come up next. and then i focused on that 8 miles, and along the way how far i had yet to go. with a mile yet to go, i pushed up my speed and pounded out that last one! so i'm feeling pretty good this afternoon. also on the docket for the day: dinner date with my hubby and heading to the home show to check out the awesome everett's landscape creation - those are both AFTER i take a shower :)

another accomplishment for this week - that i survived my counseling appointment. talking with joan was really helpful... and a lot easier than i thought it'd be. she pointed out some things that were spot on, and now just being aware of them for the last couple of days has started to change the way that i think and do some things. we talked about all of the things that i've got going on in my life right now, with school and work. i told her about how excited i had been to start talking with patients when i started my internship and now how it gives me so much anxiety. that has always been the part about my job that i miss, the having contact with clients. joan suggested that it's been much more stressful than i anticipated it would be, causing the anxiety. compounded with the other stressors in my life, that anxiety just overwhelmed me.

we also talked about boundaries. i have a reeeeally hard time setting boundaries. and she commended me for not always picking up the phone when patients call. not only that, but when i need to terminate with patients, i need to terminate with them. i need to be okay with being firm on my role, and not being afraid of saying no.

saying no is something that i've struggled with for a long time, in every area of my life. when someone asks me to do something, to fill in, to help out, to give some time, i just worry about disappointing that person and then feel pressure to do whatever they need. that's how i get so overloaded! i keep filling up my plate until i burn myself right out.

joan asked me where that comes from. i thought about it for a few seconds, and started tearing up when i had my answer. low self-esteem. i don't want to say no, because i don't want to disappoint anyone, because i don't want them to think any less of me, because i need their opinion to validate myself, because i don't believe in my value on my own. coming to that realization is exactly what i needed. i had no idea that my self-esteem had this kind of an effect on my life. now i know what i need to work on.

it'll come. i think it's something between me and God, that i need to find and believe in my value in him. but allowing myself to accomplish things (like running 8 miles!) is helping. i need to allow myself to succeed, rather than to squander my talents because i'm worried about not being good enough. why not just go for it? what do i really have to lose?

ps, check out this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Et00UNFDjVM