birthday & mmm... puppy chow!

since i last wrote, it was my birthday! i turned 24 :) on friday i got to celebrate with eric, and then on saturday a group of our friends went down to play 19 holes of mini golf that's inside the uica! it was designed by an artist, so definitely more cool-looking than it actually was functional!

so here's our group: joel, eric, anthony, jill, joe, me, cassie, and becky!



my favorite hole was called "april showers" all decorated like a bathroom, complete with a toilet!

on sunday, we went out for a birthday lunch at tres amigos with my family. i looooove that restaurant. best mexican food around, i'd say! i got some delicious ice cream for being the birthday girl, but i also had to put on a sombrero. my family sure loved trying to embarass me, but i owned that sombrero!!

then this week we had an ice storm. we didn't get much of it, but the sun shining on the ice-glazed trees this afternoon was gorgeous! of course i couldn't help but whip out my new little camera (thanks, babe!)

tonight i had eric kick me into shape with some weightlifting downstairs. he has a full set of dumbells down there. my arms are a leeeettle sore right now, but hopefully it'll pay off come wedding season! afterwards, he wanted me to make puppy chow, and it is soooo yummy! i must say that i make the BEST puppy chow!

okay, okay, here's how i make it. i use crispix (NOT chex) cereal. there's more room in the pieces for lots and lots of chocolate and peanut butter, so it just tastes better! in a large pot, i melt a stick of butter, then add 2 cups (a whole bag) of chocolate chips. once those are mostly melted, i add 2 cups of peanut butter. once creamy, remove from heat, and fold in the cereal. once it's all covered, i pour the mix into a paper bag with about a cup of powdered sugar in the bottom. then i add another cup or so to the top. next, i fold over the bag securely and shake it around until everything is covered! you can always add more powdered sugar if you want. then, ENJOY! i like it warm, straight from the stove, while eric likes it frozen. either way, puppy chow is deeelicious :)





randomness!

i have a lot of random thoughts jumbling around my head today, and just thought i'd share :)

1. klove is the best christian radio station ever! it's nationwide, so they play it in lots of big cities... not in gr, but i've been listening online. check it out at www.klove.com
2. a bird flew in our office window this morning. we're pretty ghetto and don't have screens. and the bird pooped on the floor a foot away from where i was sitting at my desk. ew.
3. whoever invented rootbeer dum-dum suckers is genius! best flavor ever!
4. our office is like a ghost town today. i think i've gotten all of 15 minutes' worth of work done since i've gotten here. not much to do, and nobody else is around to chat with. don't tell bruce! 
5. if i never heard another michael w. smith or steven curtis chapman or point of grace or amy grant song on the radio again, that would be just fine by me. 
6. kaitlyn got accepted at u of m!!! i knew she could do it :)
7. i think i want a dog. what's a fun, small, non-shedding, cute, likes-to-take-walks-with-me kind of dog? maybe when i graduate that could be my graduation present! 
8. anyone have any great bachelorette party ideas? i'm starting to think about planning britley's, and i want to make it super fun! good place to camp or have a sleepover?
9. if you have a problem with someone's services, go to them first to give them a chance to make it right. isn't that what normal people do? yes, yes it is!
10. i never liked heather williams' song "hallelujah" until hearing her story at the father-daughter banquet last night. seeing where she's been and where she is now, it makes so much sense for her to write a song like that. it's beautiful!
11. honey nut flavored chex mix is deeeeeeeeee-licious :)
12. it's my birthday tomorrow! the big two-four. i feel a little old. but birthdays are just fun!
13. i am officially 1.5 classes, 194.5 internship hours, and 14 weeks from graduating with my msw! and i am SO ready!
14. it took over 300,000 lite brite pegs to make this video! and check out the piano playing in the background. wow!

have a great weekend! xo :) 

coming home

life after vacation always resumes, and i always have a tough time adjusting back to reality. leaving steph in denver was hard, especially knowing that i won't see her until she comes home this summer for weddings. and i know that things out there haven't been easy for her either, and it just makes me want to stay and love on her as long as i can! i loved being able to spend some good time with her again, though, and i was reminded of what an amazing woman she has become. i admire her ability to know her dream and just go for it! hopefully someday i'll be as much of a go-getter as she is! i'll definitely be praying that she continues to get settled and that God will surround her with people that she can build genuine relationships with. starting over in a new place with a new job and new friends is such a challenge, but i know that she is going to make it work and thrive in denver :)

and steph definitely isn't the only person that's had to do this! i think of shelly in ann arbor and katie in lansing... and then eric's brother devo (deev-oh, aka jason) in san diego. i've had so many conversations with shelly about her struggles in being away from home, family, and friends. and i know that eric's had talks with devo about the same things. luckily for those still in michigan, they can drive home for a weekend, whereas for steph & devo... it's a $400+ flight and time off of work. this all makes me truly thankful for all the blessings i have here (even though i sometimes wonder if i'm super boring because i haven't moved anywhere fun).

i've had some really good conversations this week that make me thankful for those who were willing to share their hearts with me. after being transparent about my struggles with depression & anxiety, two people that i care about a whole bunch were able to let me in on their own stuff. i'm so glad that the Lord sends us the people that we need at just the right time, and i'm thankful that he chose to use me to have those conversations!

and i just have to tell you about my time with shell-bell out in ann arbor. she was the one that picked us up from the airport at midnight and let us crash at her apartment (once again!) it was so good to be able to spend a few extra hours with her on monday morning. she is the greatest. i just know that in her i have a friend that i can always, always count on! we tried out this hole-in-the-wall restaurant for lunch called the jamaican jerk pit... the food was so very, very spicy that i ate about a quarter of my pita before just giving up and eating the french fries! and then there were ants crawling in the window, so all we could do was laugh. it was an experience, that's for sure! and i need to thank her, too, for my wonderful birthday present!!

being away from home and seeing these great friends made me start wondering, God, where do you want me? are eric and i following your path for us? probably because they're ambitious and know what they want! i have no idea what i'm supposed to be doing, and where the heck God wants me next week or 5 years from now. and i'm frustrated, because i just want to know! i want to know who i am and what i'm good at and what sort of work i should be doing. meanwhile, all i'm figuring out is what i don't want to do for the rest of my life! here i am about to graduate with my msw, and i get asked all the time what i'd like to do with my degree... and i don't know :) i'm trying to get better in tune with the Lord and his will for my life. but i think he's trying to teach me some things right where i'm at. and one of 'em is probably patience ;)

anyway, now that this post is a book, here are some things i'm excited about today:

1. it's sunny outside
2. there are buds on the tree outside my window
3. my window is open
4. i'm getting organized at work
5. my birthday is in 3 days!!

woot! woot! for spring!

denver: day three

canvas & cocktails: probably my favorite thing ever! i seriously want to start one of these in grand rapids. the idea is to have regular people come in and teach them how to paint really cute things! it's a great idea for a creative outlet, stress relief, girls' night out, date night, etc, etc. every night they offer a different painting that the class will work on, and they've done SO many fun subjects. at the end of the two hours, you walk away with a great canvas that YOU painted. i'm an awful artist, but i'd say mine was a success:

and here are the three of us with our finished masterpieces:

 

other paintings they've done:

 

after painting, we had breakfast for lunch at a fun restaurant called snooze, yum. during the afternoon we lounged and napped, then went for a long walk along the river and through downtown denver. the partying for st. patty's day had been going on for a while already, so we got to see just a feeew drunk people stumbling around, at 5:00! i just don't get the whole st. patty's thing, but it sure is fun to laugh at people looking ridiculous!

tomorrow i get to visit steph's church and then we're going to eat some GIANT cinnamon rolls! mmm....

denver: day two

i just have to say, that as i write this post this morning i'm curled up on steph's couch with the slider open and the sun streaming in. what a beautiful morning. babe, are you sure you don't wanna move to denver?

yesterday was day two of vacation. we got up and headed to sloans lake park and walked around the lake. looking west was a view of the mountains, and toward the east, downtown denver. we did brave some crazy wind, though, so it made the walk feel like weightlifting for a while!

after the park, we hung out back at steph's apartment for a while before heading out to walk down the 16th street mall. i'd say it's denver's version of michigan street in chicago, just smaller and less fancy. but we got starbucks and bought some clothes and found some fun souvenirs. sorry for making you go in ALL the tourist shops, steph :) at one point we stopped to listen to a band playing on the street, and some guy walks up to the bassist and hands him a joint as a tip! i swear that everyone that lives here gets high, no joke. there are medical marijuana storefronts on nearly every corner! weird.

so at night i cooked dinner for steph and her roommate erin. later we met up with a couple of their friends and watched the social network back at their house. crazy movie!

on the agenda for today: at 10.00 we're going to "canvas and cocktails" to paint! it's a really cool concept. every day they have a specific thing that they teach you how to paint, and then they serve drinks, too. mimosas and painting this morning, so fun! i'll keep you posted on how i do :)

here are a couple of pics from our walk around the lake:

 

 

and here's one from the mall:

 

well, happy saturday! have a great weekend :) 

denver: day one

today i woke up at steph's apartment in denver! the sun was streaming through the windows, and i just couldn't contain my excitement to see the world all bright and shiny again. every spring it amazes me how dark and blah i get after a few months of winter, and then how quickly that turns around once the sun starts shining.

after getting up and reading for a while in a nice sunny spot, we decided to road trip to breckenridge to check out the mountains and browse the shops. we drove as far up in the mountains as we could and took in all the views along the way. poor steph, i made her stop so i could take a picture every five minutes!

here's looking up to the ski runs at breckenridge. too bad i didn't take my snowboard!

and here's a couple with me and steph!!

on the way up to breck, we drove by a sign for buffalo bill's grave. actually, like ten of them. so we decided that we had to go see it. of course, it was a leeeettle anti-climactic...  on the way back from the mountains, we stopped at an outlet mall and then went to super target - yes, i said SUPER TARGET! - to get some groceries. i love target so much that i really think the experience at super target was life-changing for me. here are a few pics i snapped inside the store... while steph tried to run away and pretend she didn't know me ;)

see you soon!

is it 4:00 yet?

is it weird that i like to do the most boring, monotonous tasks? the kinds of things that nobody else likes to do? i truly enjoy stuffing envelopes, prepping mailings, and running pages through the laminator! and don't even get me started on designing and creating forms and brochures... i could do it all day. i'd like to call myself out on officially being a lame-wad.

and when it's the day before i leave for vacation, i love to do that stuff even more!  i guess the envelope-stuffing is the only task that's even remotely holding my attention right now. everything else i've tried just gets me back to staring at the clock.... or facebooking.... or writing a blog post :)

oh, i'm going to DENVER! to visit steph!! via the detroit airport so that i can see shelly! and eric is taking his own vacation to see devo in san diego. i wish i was going somewhere so warm, but i can't wait to see the mountains! i loooove mountains! and it's 50's, which is definitely better than here...

hasta luego!

what have i been waiting for?

8 miles: I DID IT!!! last night i was so anxious about heading to the gym, but i was pleasantly surprised about how good i felt. it's been two years since i've run that far! i put my ipod on shuffle, which helped with the boredom because i didn't know what song was going to come up next. and then i focused on that 8 miles, and along the way how far i had yet to go. with a mile yet to go, i pushed up my speed and pounded out that last one! so i'm feeling pretty good this afternoon. also on the docket for the day: dinner date with my hubby and heading to the home show to check out the awesome everett's landscape creation - those are both AFTER i take a shower :)

another accomplishment for this week - that i survived my counseling appointment. talking with joan was really helpful... and a lot easier than i thought it'd be. she pointed out some things that were spot on, and now just being aware of them for the last couple of days has started to change the way that i think and do some things. we talked about all of the things that i've got going on in my life right now, with school and work. i told her about how excited i had been to start talking with patients when i started my internship and now how it gives me so much anxiety. that has always been the part about my job that i miss, the having contact with clients. joan suggested that it's been much more stressful than i anticipated it would be, causing the anxiety. compounded with the other stressors in my life, that anxiety just overwhelmed me.

we also talked about boundaries. i have a reeeeally hard time setting boundaries. and she commended me for not always picking up the phone when patients call. not only that, but when i need to terminate with patients, i need to terminate with them. i need to be okay with being firm on my role, and not being afraid of saying no.

saying no is something that i've struggled with for a long time, in every area of my life. when someone asks me to do something, to fill in, to help out, to give some time, i just worry about disappointing that person and then feel pressure to do whatever they need. that's how i get so overloaded! i keep filling up my plate until i burn myself right out.

joan asked me where that comes from. i thought about it for a few seconds, and started tearing up when i had my answer. low self-esteem. i don't want to say no, because i don't want to disappoint anyone, because i don't want them to think any less of me, because i need their opinion to validate myself, because i don't believe in my value on my own. coming to that realization is exactly what i needed. i had no idea that my self-esteem had this kind of an effect on my life. now i know what i need to work on.

it'll come. i think it's something between me and God, that i need to find and believe in my value in him. but allowing myself to accomplish things (like running 8 miles!) is helping. i need to allow myself to succeed, rather than to squander my talents because i'm worried about not being good enough. why not just go for it? what do i really have to lose?

ps, check out this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Et00UNFDjVM

being productive

for the first time in a looong while, i feel like this week has been productive! it feels amazing! since i love to make lists, i'll document my accomplishments like this:

1. for the first time ever, i cooked a roast. with corn and potatoes, and gravy. mmm. not only did i cook it, but it turned out well! eric probably high-fived me ten times during dinner tuesday night. i'll take it that the meal was a success :) thanks to my wonderful mom for all of her coaching!
2. i made it to the gym after work both monday and tuesday! after slacking on my 25k training because i've been sick/busy/etc it felt good to get running again. we'll see how my run on saturday goes... it's supposed to be an 8-miler! i definitely haven't run even close to that far yet this year!
3. today i finally got to printing out the invitations for our access fundraiser. after spending all the time designing and perfecting those babies, it felt great to see them come off the press.
4. tonight i baked and got groceries and baked some more. i started with cinnamon streusel muffins (which i burned a little, oops), followed by apple cinnamon muffins. the second batch of muffins turned out much better than the first, so those will be coming with me to my team meeting tomorrow at my internship! after finishing those i realized that i needed to make dessert for our small group that's coming over tomorrow night... i ran to the store to get more ingredients and am currently in the process of making a death by chocolate dessert and oreo balls. the brownies baking in the oven smell so good... mmmm!
5. i'm making great progress on the birthday present that i'm crocheting for steph. it's my first project that is turning out fairly well, so it makes me want to crochet more and more :) i have to give shelly credit for the pointers!
6. since giving up candy almost a week ago, i'm still on the straight & narrow!!!!

and another accomplishment that i feel pretty good about (although this is on a more serious note) is that i finally got real with myself - well, more like eric got real with me. i've struggled with anxiety and depression since i was in high school, and for the most part, i've had it under control for years. over the past couple of months, though, i've been slipping down into it again, and i've gotten to the point where it's really interfering with my work and school and even my marriage and faith.

if you've never been there, it's so hard to explain. it's easy to put on a facade for the people around you, and sometimes you can even fool yourself. nobody at work noticed how hard it was for you to follow up with all those emails. none of your classmates saw the tears that came every week or the fact that even the smallest caseload swallowed you up. but eventually you just get to a place that's just so far down, so rock bottom, that if something doesn't change, you honestly don't know how you'll ever be able to crawl out of bed again. some days i just want to sleep. i could sleep all day if you'd let me. and i think that's how eric got so worried.

anyway, eric laid the smackdown with me on sunday night. i'm so thankful that he can be painfully honest with me and hold me accountable for things like this. he finally convinced me that this is just not okay and i'm not me. it's so scary to be in that place of just not being yourself. it's like someone else is running your life... and doing a really poor job at it. on monday, i had another breakdown with my supervisor at my internship. and on tuesday i talked with my boss at work about what's been going on. both of them were incredibly supportive, and i'm so grateful for two very understanding people that i could be honest with.

it's great to finally know that something is wrong and then what it is. but i've still got work to do, because that doesn't change the way i'm feeling. i'm working on the meds thing; unfortunately meds take weeks to get regulated and working. and i also scheduled an appointment at the christian counseling center. although i'll advocate for the importance and benefits of counseling all day long, when it came to me actually making an appointment for myself... that was one of the hardest things i've ever done. i'm scheduled to go in tomorrow. i figure if i actually type this out and post it, i'll have to go. i can't tell you how many times i've thought of calling to cancel. :)

so if you get a chance, i'd really appreciate your prayers of support. i'm hopeful and confident that i'm getting the help that i need. i'm just praying that the Lord will give me courage and strength to overcome this struggle.